All About Anxiety

Your  throbbing head feels like a jungle gym being assaulted by 200 tiny meerkats. The space that was once occupied by your spongy, juicy tongue has been replace by a plank of un-sanded driftwood. If that red light doesn't change in the next 4.2 microseconds your bladder will explode onto your heated microfiber seats. The moisture seeping from your underarms has an unpleasant consistency reminiscent of runny Vaseline. From your shoes you detect a tangy smell, similar to that of expired orange juice. Your shoulders are as tight as your elementary school gym teacher's ass, and the car in front of you is doing a mere 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. Your grandmother drives faster than that. Just kidding. It's your grandmother. You're stressed, and you know that if don't make it to work in the next 7 minutes, your life will end. And you know what, missy? If you keep that act up, it will.

Have you ever wondered how many people have anxiety? Here's the answer: all of them. Anxiety is the cake that everyone gets a piece of, yet no one wants. You know the relative that always brings the same cardboard flavored cake to every family function and, despite the fact that it tastes like ass, it's always gone in an hour? That's anxiety cake. Your relative's a dick. Or maybe you know someone who has cable. Perhaps you have cable. That person searched far and wide for the best deal in television, and guess what? HBO's not included. You lose. Is that relevant? Who knows.

The good news about stress is that once you realize that you don't need to accept it, you're on the right track. I used to have horrible anxiety. I stressed about every little thing that could possibly go wrong in anyone's life, and applied it to my own. I created a truly horrible situation for myself, but what I've come to realize is that you don't have to accept the stress that your mind wants to force upon you. You can say no, and it's hard, but eventually it becomes habit. You have to learn to distinguish the real stressors from the bullshit. There are going to be major events that actually require your time, attention, and often-times-misdirected-yet-ultimately-necessary sense of urgency. Those times are not when you're stuck in traffic 6 minutes away from work, or when you're contemplating canceling your 21st birthday party out of fear that someone will spill the tray of vodka-soaked gummy worms on the new shoes that you're thinking about buying tomorrow. Those times are when your dog has explosive diarrhea at 3 in the morning, or when your boyfriend asks what sort of engagement rings you like while on a weekend trip to New York. Or when your mom's car breaks down on the way home from skating practice and you're forced to ride home with a smelly stranger while wearing a flashy sequined disco hat and a pair of stunning red pleather pants that, in spite of their making your rear look incredibly plump and delicious, have somehow managed to become the depository for all of the sweat that your body has produced/will ever produce in your entire life. If you ever find yourself in one of those situations but most particularly the last example, please, freak out. But when you feel like your world is falling apart because your boss told you not to be late again, or because you accidentally tooted in line at Coldstone, relax. People get mad, and people get over it. Instead of stressing about your situation, make simple changes and learn from your mistakes. Leave the house earlier. Eat lactose-free ice cream. Just remember: don't sweat the small things, because in 10 years, it won't mean a thing.

What do you do to relax? Do you have a favorite yoga sequence or relaxation podcast? Share your stories! I'd love to hear!